Japan Odelia VS. Ottawa Odelia

I remember going on an organized trip to Israel and feeling bullied into choosing one identity over another. “What are you first?” was the question we were asked to answer. “Human,” I said. I am a woman, a Canadian, a Jew, a journalist, a teacher (for now), a loving partner, a daughter, a sister, a friend… etc. Yes, it is true that each one of us has a variety of identities and, sometimes even, different qualities or traits to go with each. Sometimes our identities are based on our ancestry, our politics, or our relationships with others. They can also be based on geographic location.

When Noah was here in Japan, he pointed out how much he liked “Japan Odelia”: How much positive energy I have, assertiveness, willingness to explore, and even a newfound ability to ride a bicycle. Yes, I like me here too.

“Ottawa Odelia” is very different. “Please,” he said. “Can it be Japan Odelia who comes back to Ottawa?”

I don’t like Ottawa Odelia. In Ottawa, I am isolated, lonely, dependent, confused, stressed, incompetent, bored, etc. All of this makes me depressed and angry, which in turn makes me mean and cranky, which results in further isolation, and therefore more loneliness, confusion, stress, incompetence, boredom, etc. Get the picture? Yeah. It’s cost me dearly. And, despite this, I am pretty much thinking about returning there and possibly staying on more permanently – oh, the things we do for love.

But, I don’t like who I am there for the reasons stated above. And, although I am trying not to be, I am sad about the fact that I gave up so much to go there. It was totally willingly, mind you. But in the process of moving, I left behind my family, my work, my friends, my own little radio show, my contacts, my independence, and more. Some of these things may be rebuilt over time, but others are gone for good.

I keep trying to think of ways to make the situation in Ottawa better. What do I need to do or find in order to be happy? How can I make this poison in my heart into medicine? I was hoping to find the answers in Japan. If anything, this experience has made it that much clearer to me that Ottawa doesn’t feel like my home. The thought of returning there is depressing. And, I still don’t have the answers I was looking for.

So now, I am thinking about how I might be able to buy more time. I am thinking it might involve drastic change and breaking my own heart by giving up on something I have dreamed about since I was a child.

I’ve been exploring some other options and invitations. These opportunities might mean I wouldn’t have to return to my boring life in Ottawa, just yet or for long. These opportunities might lead to more travel and chances to live aboard. But I don’t know if that is realistic, responsible or even possible. I must make choices.

One opportunity is far more exciting to others than it is to me. It’s an opportunity I am 100 per cent unsure about. It’s an opportunity that would cost me money. The funny thing is, even though I am far less sure about wanting this than I was about coming to Japan, I know it comes with status and so even if I would be biding my time with this option, few would dare criticize me for doing so. It promises safety, if not happiness.

And Japan Odelia, while she has a lot to share with and teach Ottawa Odelia, exists only in Japan.